Wednesday, August 10, 2016

George Takei at the 2016 Tule Lake Pilgrimage



I am reposting George Takei's speech given during this year's Tule Lake Internment Camp Pilgrimage, because it is so powerful and speaks so directly to events happening in this country. It has special meaning to me, in a way, presenting another view of the stories I grew up hearing from my Mom.


Mother was born in Arkansas in April, 1930, right before the build-up to WWII. She remembers growing up near one of the internment camps (possibly Rohwer), and often talked of the 'strange people' she saw, sometimes spoke to, and interacted with (Issei, and Nissei and Sansei Japanese Americans) as well as some German POWs.

My mother was a mixed race child: her father Native American, her mother, what was then called Octaroon (1/8 black). Mom had more freedom to go where she pleased in the little town nearby than most non-white children in the area, because my grandmother's white first cousins were members of the wealthiest family in town, and my grandfather had been deep and fast friends from childhood with the most feared law enforcement official in the area. Everyone knew if you wanted someone to go to bat for you with the Sheriff, my grandfather was the Man.


Mom often spoke of the interment camp residents, what she saw, about things she didn't understand as a child that became clear as she became an adult. She talked about the awful things the whites in the area did, and said, and how, even though they had just as much prejudice against the Germans, they made differences for the big, blond-haired blue-eyed man-children they used to work their rice-fields and other crops, that they would never make for the quiet, polite, frightened 'Others' in the internment camp, and how, for years, she didn't understand that, either. Oh, she knew to keep her eyes downcast, to not speak unless spoken to, to not react when called Bum's Pickaninny (that's what they called my grandfather Alfred, whose real name we didn't know until WE were adults and he was in his 70s), and to NEVER, ever, show any anger or retaliate when mistreated - she didn't have that much freedom.


But, never the less, when I heard Mr. Takei speak, I hurt. For him, for his family, for the other  American citizens of Japanese descent, hurst for his having been interned there as a child, for the other good Americans who had everything taken away from them, and who were scorned, blamed, and reviled by much of the country because they LOOKED like, and some worshiped like, our enemies. How they were herded like cattle, like my Native American ancestors, like my African ancestors, like the Jews, Gypsies, intellectuals, the old, the infirm, and LGBQT folk of Europe, into cattle cars,trains, trailors, and busses, taken away from their homes, and treated worse than we would treat our livestock.Victims of racism, xenophobia, and cynical political grand-standing. How he  recalls the same things that landed them in the camps, are akin to the rhetoric being batted about now  and directed at latino immigrants, Islam-practicing Americans, and those of non-European descent  who look like our (presumed) enemies.

History repeating itself. Again.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

When Life Kicks You to the Curb ...

It's sometime really hard to make big changes in life or come to terms with professional disaster when it strikes. Meanwhile, we start to get in ruts, start feeling safe and complacent, or act like we don't have to stretch or keep pushing beyond our limits. Thus when life throws big changes at us, we're paralyzed, because we are stunned and incredulous. We're thinking,

"This cannot be right because we're THERE. We've ARRIVED. We've GOT this, it's ALL good, we're COOL." But really, are we ready? I'd say not; no one can ever be ready for the unexpected, by definition. I think that, instead, we have to be ready to shift our weight, roll away, jump - so we can keep on our feet, and be ready to take chances when we want to hunker down.

I was sure I could do it, if tested. I was thinking, not me, I won't be that person. I've never been one to not stretch myself: I hate ruts, never feel safe enough to be complacent, and I love a challenge. In fact, I NEED challenge like an alcoholic needs liquor, so gonna keep on keeping on. I thought, if I work hard, am productive, and stay proactive, everything will be good. I've always been one of the top employees wherever I've worked, so I was safe, right? Ha ha. Well, the unthinkable (to me) happened after a hellish year spent constantly managing crisis after crisis after crisis and fighting lions, tigers and bears (oh my!!!). 

My position was 'realigned' right out of existence.So shock and paralysis set in, in spite of my efforts to roll with it. Truly, it's really traumatic to go through getting let go in spite of doing what you were hired for, but it's not necessarily a bad thing, because when some doors close, others open. It seems that the trick is to not be looking backwards like Lot's wife when opportunities appear. 

And I'm not. For example, I'm contemplating this open barn door I'm about to step through.

Feeling a little scared, a whole lot excited, because I'm about to take a step off a cliff. Don't know if it's a long fall through fog or a step through the fog onto solid ground, but I've gotten the courage to go after the goal I had when I started college. It's the goal I tailored my education and work experiences around, because I thought I had an idea that's a game changer for us all, even way back 'when'.

And it REALLY feels good to finally take that chance. I started out on my career with a plan, that I've followed, more or less, like "Little Billy" going from point "A" to point "B" in the "Family Circle" cartoon. You know, circle here, loop there, double back and start over, jump the fence ...

Well, it's down to the home stretch. I'm about to get to point "B". When I do, the real work begins.

Namaste.



(pulled from blackfriar.wordpress.com - https://deepfriar.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/paths.jpg)



Friday, May 09, 2014

Here we are again ... Friday afternoon and little to show for the week

Hello my friends, it's gray, gray day in Houston. It's warm and humid, just the kind of day I don't like much.

I've got a new friend: there's a grackle setting up house somewhere near by, and he's using my porch for a way station.

The day started off 'behind' for me: I overslept, blew off shopping and cleaning, and jumped online to comb the job boards for work.  That part's been grand, but I'm really putting off doing the modules for my writing class today, and more interested in going to sit with a sick friend than working on anything useful. Sigh. Perhaps I'll be more motivated tomorrow.

Think it's time to rethink my goals. Summer's almost here, and I find that for once in my life, I don't have my 5-year plan ready to go. I'm reading some really good books, taking some writing courses, and doing webinars with the American Chemical Society again. Those kept me sane and up-to-date the last time I was out of work.

My personal philosophy is changing again, but I'm not sure yet, where it's going to land. Need to keep thinking, and work on my latest lesson.

Monday, May 14, 2012

CRRAAACCCCKKKKK! {That's the Sound of My Sangfroid Giving Up the Ghost Finally ...}


I took a long, long walk down a dark, eerie lane a few years ago, metaphorically, and I'm SO damn clueless about myself and my feelings that I've just now caught on to the fact that people who go through what I've been through the last 7 years crack up and fall apart. DUH.

I'm no exception, although I've working really hard at convincing myself that I was ... and the heart of the matter is, to quote a character from my favorite Hitchcock-style movies, 'I hate - hate! - getting f___ing emotional'.

Heifer with a big stick
One of my oldest and most reliable friends smacked me over the head with a 2x4, figuratively, a couple of weeks ago: she asked me if I knew that I had been having a nervous breakdown since the year before I left NY. (That's not how she said it, exactly, but it's how I heard it ...) 

Thus, in one second, the pits of hell I thought I'd been avoiding revealed themselves - I've been swimming in them, wallowing like a damned walrus in hellfire and telling myself it was ice water, like nothing was nothing.

Stupid. Abso-frigging-lutely S.T.U.P.I.D.

Some years ago, in the last few months of 2004, hell first opened up on me raining down fire and brimstone, then a whole new set of disasters came the next year and the year after that. Many, many things - things I have never had to deal with before - things I never THOUGHT I'd ever have to deal with. Things that I didn't know - don't know - how to deal with. So, I didn't/haven't.

And good God, from the most straight-forward, plain-spoken person I've ever known, comes the bald, un-prettied up truth, and she asks the question I haven't wanted to answer, making me face the answer I've always known. How funny-ironic.THAT'S when I understood what my doctor's been telling me - heard all the things I didn't want to hear. I could admit it finally, that I wasn't made of cast iron, or stone, that I wasn't coping, and then ... my eyes opened.

-------------------------------------

I'm not going into detail - I have tried sharing a bit of what I was going through, a little bit of what happened to me, with a few friends - my two oldest bffs (LWR & KBSM) have been my mainstays - the other ones I talked to ran off like scalded dogs, and I cut off the rest.The ones that ran made it worse for me, because I've always listened to all their troubles and been as supportive as I could whenever I could ... I've stopped talking at all - stopped trying. I'm whining here again - time to stop.

{SIGH} I'm trying to understand, y'all. Maybe someday, I will. But today, and yesterday, and the day before, and all the days before the day before, I'm just hurt, so much so that I've cut off contact with everyone.

Dumb thing to do to punish the rest for what a few have done, I know, but I've been so tuned out and messed up for so long I am not sure I know how to talk to anyone, anymore. The mask I've been wearing is so good, and I've been faking it SO much the last few years ("I'm FINE!! Don't you think I'm fine?"), I'm not sure what's real and what's an act myself anymore.

On top of that, I've been out of work since 2009, and that has nearly done for me. Not because of the economic hardship, but because of how I feel about work. It's like my arms and legs have been cut off.

Ah well. Nature of the world today.

I wish I could explain to my friends why I haven't even been around, but I don't know where to start, and many of them won't talk to me anymore. Thing is, I'm not sure I blame them.  I've been angry, I've been grief-stricken, I've felt mean, I've wanted to be cruel, I've felt depressed to the point of abject despair - all that, and I'm not in the habit of sharing, not anymore.

I haven't known what to do. I couldn't calculate or engineer a way out, and positive thinking didn't cut it - it's like wishing for ice water in hell.

NOT. HAPPENING.

I've been in pain, and my animal nature took over - I crawled off into a hole and tried to die. Well ... seems my will to live is much stronger than my battered psyche. So, I'm working out what to do next.

Peace be with you. In the meantime, I'm working on finding mine, again.

Laters.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Can't Sleep, So Doing the Mad Scientist thing ....

I found out years ago that I'm a bit of an insomniac. This worked out REALLY well when I was in college, because I had planned for grad school since 11th grade, and not being able to sleep through the night is mighty useful when one is working on a particularly sticky problem, has done all one can with the pad of paper and pen that is stashed under your pillow ...

So, here I am tonight: I'm browsing literature online after redoing my resume (I'm preparing a research proposal so I can apply for funding). I decided to take a break and check out the state of the world to see who we're bombing into oblivion today, then decided to take a peek at my favorite cartoonist: Nick. I found two new ones that I love! Neither needs to be explained, I think, and both are posted here. Dream well, my little chickens. There are crazy scientist types like me in the world, planning who knows what ... BWAHAHA!!!!